Is it fishy not to need a man?

fish on bike

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how more and more women are opting to gamble on themselves rather than stay in a marriage well past the best-before date. I referred to the famous quote “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” and cited some stats about how women tend to fare better post divorce than men.

Well, it didn’t take long to get blasted by a loyal male reader who wrote, “I have serious bones to pick with your blog. It is one thing to assert that a female can stand on her own feet and raise kids and be independent and satisfied. No problem there. But your blog sends a “who needs men anyway” message, and that they are weak twits who cannot stand on their own. Nonsense. And, I found the “a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” quote cynical and entirely infra dig. I cannot understand how you can stoop so low to quote it.”

My first thought after reading this bit of feedback was, “God, I love my readers. They are so smart. They can use ‘infra dig’ correctly in a sentence.

My second thought was, “Shit. I clearly hit a nerve.”

My third thought was, “Good.”

I mean it’s not like I want to make a habit out of upsetting my readers, but your comments stretch my own thinking which is why I toil away into the wee hours by dim candlelight in a drafty room writing these posts every week. It is good that you challenge me—it makes me dig deeper to try to make more sense of the complex topic of relationships.

So, how do I really feel about the phrase, “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” now that I’ve thrown it out there?

Upon further reflection, I can completely understand why I upset my male reader. This feminist phrase (often attributed to Gloria Steinem, but actually coined by Irina Dunn) does sound very dismissive of men. Clearly, fish don’t ride bikes. They don’t have any use for them.

And that is absolutely not the message I want to convey.

But I do think the quote can be interpreted differently perhaps. There is a difference between a ‘need’ and a ‘want’. Saying women don’t ‘need’ men is not the same thing as saying that women don’t ‘want’ men.

I think too many women ‘need’ men for the wrong reasons. The strict definition of a need is something you can’t live without, because you can’t survive without it for long. We need water, food and air. I can name many women in my own life who need men for reasons that rob them of their own identity and potential, and make them dependent. Some want to be taken care of and expect their partner to do the heavy lifting—figuratively when it comes to bringing home the lion’s share of the family income, or literally such as hauling out the trash. Worse, some of my friends think they are unfinished business without a man to complete them.

I know I have fallen into this trap myself, unwittingly, because I bought into unhealthy stereotypes about what I need from a man, and placed unfair demands on my husband who has more egalitarian values than my own. How many times have I used the phrase, “that’s a “blue” job” referring to things like mowing the lawn, taking the car in for repairs, or changing the burnt-out light bulbs. And I’ve fallen for more pernicious stereotypes too.

A want is different than a need. We can survive without a want (it is not a need like water, food or air), but life is more fun when our ‘wants’ are met. Wanting a man (or any partner for that matter) conveys more of a partnership, an “equal” relationship and a more conscious and deliberate desire to be with him or her because they enrich our life, stretch us in new ways, and fulfill our fantasies.

Isn’t it better to stick with someone because we want to, rather than because we need to? And sure, maybe a fish doesn’t need a bicycle, but she would probably have a few giggles taking one for a spin.

Photo credit:Flickr/mollydot

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