“If you’ve seen one marriage, you’ve seen one marriage.”

This quote was offered by one of the participants from a round table of senior consultants, lawyers, and corporate professionals that I co-hosted in early April with Brent Wagner (BMO), and facilitated by Kitchen Table conversation maestro, Rick Wolfe.

The topic of conversation was not about “marriage” per se, but about business marriages (such as business partnerships) and how to make them work. Other people’s relationships can be a mystery to an outside observer. We sometimes scratch our heads and wonder, “how the hell does that work?” What works in one partnership can flop in another.

Yet, in every single relationship there are complex dynamics at play. We discussed some of these complexities, and potential ways to make all business relationships less complicated, less fraught with tension, and more productive.

The following ideas and insights were proposed.

Don’t Tippy-Toe Around Conflict

Conflict doesn’t need to be swept under the carpet. Creative tension can be a good thing for a relationship. James Carville and Mary Matalin are married political commentators. One is a strong Democrat; the other a staunch Republican. They rage at, and love each other in the same breath. Rather than tip-toe around their differences, they engage in all-out warfare.

Yet, many people are afraid to show “emotion” in business.  “Why can’t we make emotion part of it?” one participant asked.  “Say something like, ‘I’m feeling upset because this is important to me. I’m raising my voce, because I’m not feeling heard.’” Another participant said that his “biggest fear is fear of future regret” of not having the difficult conversations.

It’s difficult to “hide” emotion in any case, and people don’t fake it well. “It can come out in strange ways,” one observed. Another participant offered: “I’ve been in situations where I’ve contained my emotions but I can tell when my language changes and know others are reacting to what I’m feeling so I’m not really containing it. When I didn’t say how I felt about a topic, that was the missing piece of the conversation. Relationships thrive when people are honest about how they feel. Emotion can be valid elements of discussion.”

Only Do Business with Friends

One participant was mentored by an elderly gentlemen years ago, who told him, “We only do business with our friends.” At the time he naively interpreted this to mean, “We only do business with people who know the secret handshake,” but learned to appreciate the importance of doing business with the kind of people you want to be friends with. “Opportunities come into focus when you focus on the friendship.”

Friendship also means being compassionate to the personal problems of colleagues. One participant shared how “talking through personal issues helped keep our partnership together.” Few people can compartmentalize their personal and business lives, and having “friends” at work promotes engagement and productivity. Friendship doesn’t mean going for beer and wings every Tuesday but “respect and trust” is an imperative. “It is a show stopper if it is not there.”

Don’t Press “Send” Right Away

One participant decided to leave his partnership—a tough conversation—so “used a combination of face-to-face and email.” Email allowed him “time to think about a position, and time to think about the proper wording. In face-to-face, you run the risk of words coming out wrong.” Someone chimed in, “Jesus, you can’t take it and shove it back in.” Writing things down before hand is “a powerful way to organize thoughts and think through key messages and word selection.” Another piece of advice: “Sleep on it. Do not send the email that day. And I would never do an email without a follow-up. “

The follow-up is key, and hiding behind email can harm the relationship: “You have to be brave enough to have the conversation and look someone in the eyes.” Conversations are even more delicate when partners are friends too—as was the experience of one participant: “You can’t get all business-y, by launching into something heavy.”

Check in before it’s too late

One participant shared a tactic that works in her marriage that can work effectively in business too. She and her husband do daily check-ins, where they take a pulse on how there are doing both physically and emotionally. “It did great things for us. It’s hard to have difficult conversations if you haven’t had more regular check-ins along the way.” Her experience is that it makes it easier for others to understand and deal with you if you share what’s going on in your body and mind.

While some participants bristle at the idea of structured check-in’s because it feels “forced”, most agree that keeping the lines of communication open, and dealing with little things before they escalate into bigger issues is a sound relationship practice.

Relationship leverage = Time + Authenticity + Generosity 

Our round table ended with a “formula” for relationship success:

Relationship leverage = Time + Authenticity + Generosity

Time: Relationships require attention and there is no substitute for that: “When I’m absent spiritually or emotionally or mentally or physically, the relationship declines.”

Authenticity: “Am I being authentic or am I playing a game? If I’m not presenting myself as who I really am or how I wish to be perceived, then the leverage values goes down and the multiplier effect is bullshit (a comment, statement, or piece of language that purports to convey meaning or truth, but doesn’t.)”

Generosity: There are many ways to demonstrate generosity towards a business partner—attentive listening, heartfelt advice, taking work off her plate. The greater the generosity, the greater the trust.

The last word

One participant said it best: “At the core we are human, trying to accomplish something together.”

Photo credit:Flickr/UAF School of Management

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