Would It Kill Me To Talk Less?

Silence

Paul McLaughlin, a well-known journalist, ex-CBC producer, and interviewing trainer came to talk to my advanced feature-writing class at Ryerson last night about the art of the interview. I learned more in those riveting few hours about human behaviour than I did in the years I spent earning a graduate degree in Psychology.

I bought his book, “Asking Questions,” after class. There is a section titled, SILENCE IS ELOQUENT. This was good to know because I am far from eloquent about silence. Silence is impossible for me. It makes me nervous. And when I get nervous, I talk. And talk. And talk. And most of what comes out of my mouth is pure garbage. This bad habit has not helped my relationship with my younger son Micah.

Micah was home for Reading Week in February. One night we sat down for dinner, just the two of us. Micah is a man of few words—the consequence of being the younger brother of a loquacious first-born who dominated the conversation around the dinner table during his formative years. So I got antsy, and wracked my brain for a conversation starter.

“How’s Declan’s dog?” I ask.

Micah raises an eyebrow across the dining room table, and says in an even tone that only mildly hides his irritation, “Do you really care about Declan’s dog?”

I moan.

“No, Micah. But I worry that if we don’t talk about something it means we have nothing to talk about. And maybe that means we don’t have a close mother-son relationship.”

McLaughlin writes, “Some interviewers, often out of nervousness, cannot restrain themselves from filling every pause or moment of reflection with the sound of their own voices.” He insists though ”integral to developing good listening skills is the need to understand and become comfortable with silence.”

He continues, “The most important thing about interviewing is knowing when to keep quiet. People hate silence. If somebody answers a question and you can tell they’re not quite finished, say nothing and they’ll start again. And often what comes out is the real answer.”

So, while I am not interviewing Micah per se, there are some transferable lessons here. Perhaps by talking less, there is the potential that Micah will talk more. By not filling the space with small talk, there will be more room for big talk.

Silence is eloquent. I’m going to give that a shot.

Photo credit:Flickr/Jemma D.

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