9:30 a.m. Vaughan, Ontario
I arrive with Jessie at the veterinary surgeon’s. A kind-looking assistant leads her to the back to prepare her for the operation to repair a ruptured ligament. My canine daughter starts to whimper for me. I want to run to her, cradle her beautiful golden Muppet head, and give her a belly rub. Instead I dash to my car anxiously, leaving a distressed Jessie in my wake.
10: 00 a.m. Pierre Berton Library (Vaughan)
The veterinary clinic is 60 minutes from home so I’ve decided to camp out down the road in the public library while I wait for Jessie. This avoids wasting time driving back and forth. I have no time to waste. I have intellectual mountains to move today. My goal is to spend seven straight hours developing a corporate offering on business relationships. I am laser-focused.
10:05 a.m. The Stacks (Pierre Berton Library)
Uh oh. I think I’m about to make a strategic mistake. I feel this magnetic pull towards the adult non-fiction shelves, and lo-and-behold I find myself in relationship book mecca. One book teases me to get under its cover: Cheating Parents-Recovering From Parental Infidelity by Dennis Ortman, PhD. Hey, could that be me? My dad cheated on my mom when I was growing up. I didn’t think I needed to “recover” from it, but if so, this could explain a whole lot of things.
10:10 Deeper Into The Stacks
Do I have the will power to avoid sliding down this slippery slope of unproductivity? I should leave Cheating Parents snugly nestled on the bookshelf between Sex Tips From A Dominatrix (look at our taxpayer dollars at work!) and Reclaiming Intimacy. It’s not too late to stick with my plan to work on my business offering. But what if this 216-page tome holds the key that releases me from my million and one neuroses—by teaching me how to recover from my dad’s infidelity? Oh, what to do? I need divine intervention.
10:11 Too Deep To Dig Out Of The Stacks
I didn’t have the strength to fight. But I have to say this—at least my behavior is consistent. When I see a half-eaten chocolate bar and my inner mommy voice (the one I use so effectively out loud with my sons) tells me “Leave it; dinner is in 20 minutes” my batting average is 15%. I almost always eat the chocolate bar. Delayed gratification is not my strong suit, even though my husband claims I do a fine job delaying his gratification. I pick up the book and dash giddily to a coveted seat by the window.
11:40 My Nose Buried In “Cheating Parents”
Chapter 11 of Cheating Parents is titled “A Friend, Not a Parent—Finding Security in Love.” I am getting an inkling of how people like me harm our kids because of how we were treated by our own parents. I sort of, kind of, maybe knew that my dad’s infidelity and the dynamics of my parents’ marriage had an effect on me. But Lord Almighty I had no idea that it would have a ripple effect on my children. It would be irresponsible to abandon this effort now. Business development can wait.
12:15 Totally And Completely Riveted
I am persuaded by the notion that I may be too enmeshed as a “caregiver” in my children’s lives. Parents (like mine) who are so emotionally spent by their marriage don’t have the additional reserves to care for the emotional needs of their children. Their children (like me) are then forced to take on the “caregiver” role in the family. This is the role they continue to play with their own children too, thereby robbing them of the autonomy they need to grow as individuals.
2:30 The “Question Your Parental Role” Survey
I’m a sucker for questionnaires. Here is the quiz in the book to assess whether I am using my children as a crutch to satisfy my own warped needs.
1. Does my life revolve almost exclusively around my children?
2. Do I need to be needed?
3. Do I take pride in how close I am to my children?
4. Do I have trouble saying no to them?
5. Do others accuse me of babying my children?
6. Am I reluctant to make too many demands on my children?
7. Do I tend to avoid confrontation?
8. Does my spouse see me as too lenient?
9. Do I share my whole life with my children?
10. Are my children my best friends?
11. Will I give up almost anything to help my children?
12. Am I afraid to let go of my children and let them grow up?
13. Does my mood and self-esteem rise and fall with the reactions of my children?
14. Do I feel like a martyr because I sacrifice so much for the sake of my children?
15. Do I fear the disapproval of my children?
3:00 Results
I answered, “No” to nine questions, which I’m thinking is pretty “healthy”, all things considered. But honestly, who cares how I answered? It’s how my sons perceive me that matters more. Our own perceptions of ourselves are quite often out of sync with how others perceive us. If my sons think I am a martyr (#14), afraid to let them grow up (#12) or over-share (#9) when I don’t perceive myself in this way, I can appreciate how this can mess them up. This deserves further investigation. I am going to ask my sons to rate me. Stay tuned for a follow-up post on “Our Parenting Blind Spots”.
6:30 Back to Jessie
I arrive at the veterinary office, and they bring my poor baby to me. Her leg is shaved and bandaged; she is drugged and miserable, and has to be carried to the car. I am freaking out that she must hate me for abandoning her, and subjecting her to such torture. I re-take “Question Your Parental Role Survey” vis-à-vis my canine daughter and answer “Yes” to every single question. But I don’t care. The more she needs me, and the tighter she clings, the happier I am. I don’t want her to grow up. Not ever.
Next: Playboy Is Reinventing. What About You?
Tracey
Oct 8, 2015 -
Perhaps your loyalty, adoration and steady ethical compass result in part from the early experience with your father; this from an armchair psychologist. But it’s great to hear the inner voice of a dog-loving empty-nester professional.
Sue Nador
Oct 8, 2015 -
Thank you, Tracey! The weird thing is,my dad wanted nothing more than a solid family life, and was desperate to be adored and loved. I hate the word “cheating” (it makes me cringe) as it can also be a cry for help (my armchair psychologist view!). In any case, I do thank both of my parents for their dysfunctional marriage. It scared me straight, and I was determined not to settle for “good enough” in a mate. I think I (over)achieved that! Many thanks for your generous comment!