{"id":1825,"date":"2017-05-18T10:57:43","date_gmt":"2017-05-18T10:57:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/therelationshipdeal.com\/?p=1825"},"modified":"2017-05-18T10:57:43","modified_gmt":"2017-05-18T10:57:43","slug":"heres-how-to-talk-to-your-partner-about-a-dry-topic","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/therelationshipdeal.com\/wp\/2017\/05\/18\/heres-how-to-talk-to-your-partner-about-a-dry-topic\/","title":{"rendered":"Here’s How To Talk To Your Partner About A “Dry” Topic"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Last year, Huffington Post commissioned me to write a story on how women can successfully broach the topic of vaginal dryness with their partners. They published it as a service piece in a series of slides<\/a> which was a good summary of what the experts I interviewed proposed. I thought you might be interested in reading my original draft because it includes additional information not included in the slide show. I have also included links to some interesting research at the end.<\/p>\n

The Original<\/strong><\/p>\n

Vaginal dryness caught Barbara by surprise. Recently married for the second time and in her early forties, she was having sex with abandon. \u201cIt was fantastic,\u201d she recalls. \u201cThere was no trouble with any aspects of sex.\u201d But several years into her marriage, sex became very painful. \u201cI was quite worried but I didn\u2019t attribute the pain to natural aging or hormones, or to vaginal dryness.\u201d<\/p>\n

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Vaginal Dryness Gets Worse<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Though vaginal dryness is common\u201430% of perimenopausal and 50% of post-menopausal women experience vaginal symptoms\u2014most women lack a general understanding. Sadly, as Toronto physician Dr. Anne Madigan observes \u201cwomen feel responsible, embarrassed and shy, when it\u2019s just a fact of aging.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dryness happens when ovaries stop producing estrogen during menopause.\u00a0 Dr. Madigan explains, \u201cestrogen maintains normal vaginal tissue and the clear lubricating fluid which makes vaginal intercourse comfortable. The vaginal tissue becomes thinner, and there is less blood flow to the area and less secretion.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

While other menopausal symptoms typically resolve after the menopausal period, vaginal dryness often persists and worsens. This comes as unwelcome news to women who are living longer and healthier lives, and have greater expectations of sexuality.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Vaginal Dryness \u2013 The Taboo Topic<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Most women don\u2019t talk about vaginal dryness\u2014not even with their doctors, who are generally not well trained or comfortable talking about it either. Dr. Madigan says, \u201cI always ask my patients, \u2018how is your sex life?\u2019\u201d She observes, \u201cWomen will talk about hot flashes, insomnia and irritability. They often talk about memory loss in a funny manner\u2014but they don\u2019t talk about vaginal dryness.\u201d She notes that if women are not talking about vaginal dryness with health practitioners, \u201cit\u2019s unlikely they are discussing it with their partners.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Chia Chia Sun, CEO of Damiva<\/a>, a company that makes all-natural products for menopausal health, agrees there is a need for more straight talk about menopause. Damiva\u2019s campaign \u201cEnough beating around the bush. Let\u2019s talk about your vagina\u201d recognized the need to \u201cnormalize\u201d women\u2019s experience.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Damiva\u2019s research and conversations with women led Sun to conclude, \u201cThis was a topic that no one wanted to talk about.\u201d In fact, women are much less willing to talk about their own vaginal dryness than they are about their male partner\u2019s erectile dysfunction. Sun notes that \u201cthe promotion of big brands like Viagra and Cialis have actually opened the door for more frank discussions.\u201d Dr. Madigan wryly observes, \u201cWe don\u2019t have many ads for vaginal dryness on television. The message is that it is really important for men to have sex, but what kind of message is there for women?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Opening the Door to Greater Intimacy<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sun says she once tried to give a sample of lubricant to a woman who said, \u201cI can\u2019t take that, he\u2019ll think it\u2019s my fault.\u201d She observes, \u201cIt is your issue but it\u2019s not your fault. If you feel it is your fault you can\u2019t even open the door to talk about the issue.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Toronto relationship therapist Susan Valentine<\/a> says that talking about vaginal dryness is an opportunity to increase connection and intimacy, and something a couple should deal with together. \u201cIt is difficult to talk about issues that make us feel vulnerable,\u201d she says, but \u201cpart of what ends up disconnecting couples is the withdrawal and other defenses that arise in trying to protect oneself from shame or embarrassment.\u201d Dr. Madigan explains that because it hurts to have sex with a dry vagina, women can become withdrawn. \u201cThey are not less interested in their partner, but the partner can feel they are not interested in them.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Valentine says it is important for a woman to share what she is experiencing physically and also emotionally. \u201cWhen women raise the issue of vaginal dryness, we are essentially expressing vulnerability and requesting reassurance that we will be loved through these changes and challenges, and as we age.\u201d She adds, \u201cLearning to talk about our fears and vulnerabilities with our partners strengthens our connection and overall relationship. It provides our partner with the chance to listen to our concern, validate it, and offer empathy.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Your Vagina Still Works. It\u2019s Just Dry<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The good news, according to a global survey<\/a>, is that the vast majority of men want their partners to share their experiences.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Barbara originally hid the pain from her partner: \u201cI didn\u2019t want sex to be unsatisfying for him, to the point that I was experiencing bleeding.\u201d After opening up, he tried to help. \u201cHe came home one day with a bunch of lubes, and said \u2018let\u2019s have some fun\u2019 which was awesome but every one caused terrible irritation.\u201d As Barbara discovered, not all products are created equal and additives like warming, flavours, and colours can be irritants. Products may be labeled \u201cnatural\u201d even if there is only one natural ingredient among many.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Beyond moisturizers and lubricants, which Dr. Madigan says is \u201clike moisturizing your face,\u201d other options like low dose estrogen cream or tablets that are not HRT (which more and more women avoid) can help vaginal walls be less dry. Vaginal dryness can be addressed. Dr. Madigan points out, \u201cIt\u2019s not like your vagina doesn\u2019t work. It\u2019s not like it can\u2019t be helped. It\u2019s dry.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

While women may avoid sex because of pain, abstinence is not the answer. Dr. Madigan says \u201cregular sexual activity or vaginal stimulation with or without your partner increases blood flow in the area. If you don\u2019t have sex for three months it can feel uncomfortable so ironically it can help to have regular sex to cause secretions.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sexual intimacy is not only good for the vagina, it is good for the relationship. Barbara says, \u201csex and love-making helps you bridge the gap that dialogue can\u2019t. Our emotional needs are often met through non-verbal communication.\u201d She thinks, however, that there is too much societal pressure towards penetration when \u201cthere are so many other acts.\u201d She adds, \u201cguys are so sensory and I think men have sex with their eyes.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But for sexual intimacy to happen at all, women need to understand, accept and talk openly about their physical changes and emotional needs. Their romantic partners need to provide empathy, reassurance and support. And there needs to be more talk between women and their doctors, and in society in general. Attitudes are starting to shift. \u00a0Damiva\u2019s Chia Chia Sun says, \u201cWe are on the cusp of breaking taboos.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Research Sources<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

The CLOSER (CLarifying Vaginal Atrophy’s Impact On SEx and Relationships) survey: implications of vaginal discomfort in postmenopausal women and in male partners.<\/p>\n

http:\/\/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/pubmed\/23809691<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Management of Menopausal Symptoms<\/p>\n

http:\/\/www.nejm.org\/doi\/full\/10.1056\/NEJMcp054015<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

International Menopause Society calls upon medical community to improve the vaginal health of postmenopausal women<\/p>\n

http:\/\/www.eurekalert.org\/pub_releases\/2010-10\/eh-icu100610.php<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Atrophic Vaginitis: An Undertreated Epidemic, Part I (Slides With Video)<\/p>\n

http:\/\/www.medscape.org\/viewarticle\/577629<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Your Aging Sex Drive: What\u2019s \u201cnormal\u201d after menopause<\/p>\n

http:\/\/www.medicaldaily.com\/your-aging-sex-drive-whats-normal-after-menopause-272816<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Photo credit: Unsplash-Nathalia Bariani<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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