{"id":1812,"date":"2017-05-04T10:45:59","date_gmt":"2017-05-04T10:45:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/therelationshipdeal.com\/?p=1812"},"modified":"2017-05-04T10:45:59","modified_gmt":"2017-05-04T10:45:59","slug":"how-doras-affair-started","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/therelationshipdeal.com\/wp\/2017\/05\/04\/how-doras-affair-started\/","title":{"rendered":"How Dora’s Affair Started"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I am going to see Every Other Couple<\/em> at the Hot Docs Festival today. This documentary from Finland profiles couples who vowed to be together forever but are now picking up the pieces after their divorce. A number of years ago, I\u00a0interviewed Dora (not her real name) for some research I was doing. \u00a0It is another case study of the harsh realities of too many marriages.<\/p>\n

Background<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dora (not her real name) came to Canada a decade ago from Spain. She married Steven when she was 22 and he was 26. They separated six years later. She had two affairs during their marriage. She is now in her early 30\u2019s, divorced and living with a much younger partner. They have “theoretically” agreed to an open relationship.<\/p>\n

My Interview<\/strong><\/p>\n

You married Steven quite young, at 22. What did you expect your faithfulness deal to be?<\/strong>
\nMy intention was to be monogamous. I believe that having an affair is betraying someone. Trust and also honour were important for my husband. He had lived with another woman before me, and was cheated on.<\/p>\n

Were you happy in your faithfulness deal?<\/strong>
\nI hadn\u2019t had much sexual experience before Steven. I always thought of marriage as a union, and being able to explore sex together. But my sex life wasn\u2019t great. Steven always found an excuse not to have sex. We were only having sex once a month even though we were both in our 20\u2019s. He was very athletic\u2014he worked construction, was a really good snowboarder and worked out at the gym a lot\u2014but never made time for me. I was always wanting it. I eventually told him that if he continued to neglect me that I might cheat on him. But he didn\u2019t think I was serious.<\/p>\n

How did this make you feel?<\/strong>
\nI would feel bitter and insecure. I was always asking him, \u201cWhy?\u201d I told him that it wasn\u2019t normal and that this wasn\u2019t right. But he would just laugh it off, and think it wasn\u2019t such a big deal. He actually denied that we were having sex so infrequently. I became very confused. I was pretty young so I didn\u2019t know how it was supposed to be, but I knew that I was horny. I would listen to my friends talk about how their husbands wouldn\u2019t leave them alone and I thought, \u201cDamn, I wish that would happen to me.\u201d<\/p>\n

How long did you remain faithful?<\/strong>
\nWe started to fight a lot. Our bad sex life started to affect other parts of our relationship. In our fourth year of marriage I went on a holiday by myself back to Spain. I had an affair. It was random. I wouldn\u2019t have had an affair in Canada behind his back, but it was far away and the opportunity was there. I just wanted to have sex.<\/p>\n

What happened when you got back?<\/strong>
\nI got home and Steven surprised me with new furniture! It looked like he was making an effort. I thought things were getting better but they got worse. I went on holidays again without him a couple years later, and had another affair. After that I just couldn\u2019t have sex with my husband. I couldn\u2019t picture myself continuing to lie.<\/p>\n

Do you regret not disclosing your affairs?<\/strong>
\nLooking back, I wouldn\u2019t tell him unless he asked me. If he had asked, I would have been honest. Steven is egocentric and I never wanted to hurt his ego. I don\u2019t feel guilty about cheating because I forewarned him. I had to lie to cover it up, but I never felt good about that.<\/p>\n

Are you in a relationship now?<\/strong>
\nI was single for four years after Steven and I split up. I did a lot of self-discovery, yoga, and Kabbalah. I wanted to become a centered human being before I committed to someone else. I turned 30, got a job and felt stronger. I have now been living with someone for two years. Ben is 12 years younger than me\u2014I\u2019m now 34 and he is 22.<\/p>\n

Do you have a different relationship deal with Ben than you had with Steven?<\/strong>
\nWe had a discussion at the beginning of our relationship about faithfulness. He is very open-minded. He is ok with me having sex with someone else as long as I tell him first. And I told him that I also wouldn\u2019t mind if he had sex with someone else if he was away, or if I was away. I told him that I would prefer not to know though about any affair.<\/p>\n

Do you have any rules in the event of an affair?<\/strong>
\nSex with anyone else has to be protected sex. We don\u2019t share the money we earn right now, but if we did share our income in the future I wouldn\u2019t be ok if it went to his mistress, especially if we have kids.<\/p>\n

Now that you have been together a couple years, have your expectations changed?<\/strong>
\nAt the beginning I was more open. I actually never thought our relationship would go far. I just thought it would be a long-term affair. Now that we are more serious, I feel more attached. I feel suspicious all the time. I always ask him who he is texting and check his phone. Ben has never given me a reason to be suspicious; I\u2019m just being crazy. Even though I said at the beginning that I wouldn\u2019t want to know about an affair, I would expect him to tell me now. It\u2019s confusing.<\/p>\n

Do you think Ben would be jealous if you actually did sleep with someone else?<\/strong>
\nWe were at a party a while ago and I pointed out a guy who I found attractive. Ben suggested we should have a threesome. This made me feel good. I know I have my freedom to be with other people, but I don\u2019t need to take advantage of it because I get everything I want at home.<\/p>\n

But it doesn\u2019t sound like you are ok with Ben sleeping with someone else?<\/strong>
\nIt matters to me that he is not cheating. I know I am being selfish, and it is an ego thing. I know I would be very emotional if I found out. If I found out he was having an affair it would make me stressed and paranoid. I would wonder whether I was good enough. He tells me that he has never been with anyone else. Like I said, I told him I would be ok with him having an affair when we started to date but now I have more feelings. If I did find out that he was cheating I would confront him, and decide where to from here. It\u2019s a dead-end situation because while I say I am ok with him being with someone else I don\u2019t think I could handle it.<\/p>\n

Where do you see this relationship going?<\/strong>
\nBen is really young. He\u2019s only 22 so isn\u2019t ready to think about children. He can\u2019t afford a family. But my bio clock is different and I want a child. He thinks maybe I should find a partner who can give me that rather than keeping me hanging. I don\u2019t want to lose a good relationship to find someone with whom to have a child. I would love to have a family with him but maybe that\u2019s not realistic. If we did decide to get married I would re-negotiate our \u201copen\u201d relationship. I don\u2019t want to think that far into the future.<\/p>\n

Photo credit: Adriana Velasquez – (Unspash.com)<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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