{"id":1652,"date":"2016-11-24T12:05:02","date_gmt":"2016-11-24T12:05:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/therelationshipdeal.com\/?p=1652"},"modified":"2016-11-24T12:05:02","modified_gmt":"2016-11-24T12:05:02","slug":"your-first-fight-four-right-and-wrong-ways-to-handle-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/therelationshipdeal.com\/wp\/2016\/11\/24\/your-first-fight-four-right-and-wrong-ways-to-handle-it\/","title":{"rendered":"Your First Fight? Four Right And Wrong Ways To Handle It"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"wyatt-fisher-couples\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Have you heard the term \u201cnew relationship energy\u201d? It\u2019s that \u201chigh\u201d you feel at the beginning of a romantic union\u2026it\u2019s almost like your partner has been sprinkled with pixie dust and everything they do or say feels magical to you.<\/p>\n

This \u201chigh\u201d is caused by a neurotransmitter (dopamine) in your brain which I\u2019m not qualified to explain\u2014but the important thing to know is that this intense positive feeling typically fades within two years. That\u2019s biology.<\/p>\n

So what happens when you shift from \u201cnew\u201d love to \u201colder\u201d love? Well, lots of positives that come from a stable relationship\u2014but perhaps more conflicts too when that \u201cnew relationship energy\u201d wears off, and you realize your partner isn\u2019t \u201cperfect\u201d. That\u2019s normal.<\/p>\n

Some couples can weather conflict storms. Others get blown off course. In the decades I\u2019ve been married I\u2019ve learned the right ways and the wrong ways to deal with conflict. Here\u2019s my take.<\/p>\n

The Wrong Way: Make Everything An Issue<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Right Way: Pick Your Battles<\/strong><\/p>\n

There are many landmines in longer-term relationships. It\u2019s hard not to feel grumpy if you think your partner is slacking on the housework, spending too much money, or working too late at the office. Unless you are in a relationship with your clone, it\u2019s impossible to agree on everything. Unfortunately, the more you nag, the less your partner takes your nagging seriously, or just gets fed up with the constant criticism.<\/p>\n

Rather than making everything an issue, pick your battles wisely. Tolerance is one of the most important virtues as a partner. It\u2019s easy to love our partners for their good qualities but it\u2019s even more important to embrace their less desirable ones. Rather than only focus on what you expect from your partner (and how they are not measuring up to your expectations), consider what they expect of you too.<\/p>\n

The Wrong Way: Attack<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Right Way: Listen<\/strong><\/p>\n

The primitive part of our brains\u2014the amygdala\u2014is wired to pick up \u201cdanger\u201d like threatening words (\u201cYou are crazy\u201d) or faces (a scowl) triggering the hypothalamus to release chemicals into our bodies to fight, flee or freeze. So if your partner feels like they are being attacked by your words or body language, they will\u2026any guesses? This is not a good foundation on which to resolve conflict in a healthy way.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ve heard the proverb: God gave us two ears and one mouth, so we ought to listen twice as much as we speak. Staying calm, actively listening, and asking insightful questions to understand your partner\u2019s point of view is a much better strategy than exploding (which only escalates conflict). Remember not to interrupt your partner constantly to make your point because arguing with your partner should not be a debate. You are not each other\u2019s adversaries, so deal with conflict from a place of mutual respect and collaboration. Conflict doesn\u2019t have to be nasty.<\/p>\n

The Wrong Way: Win At All Costs<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Right Way: Play Fair<\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s not great for a relationship when partners want to \u201cwin\u201d an argument at all costs by playing dirty. This could include, for example name calling (\u201cYou are evil\u201d), exaggerating (\u201cYou never listen\u201d) or bullying the other into submission. Sure, you may win the battle, but do you really want to lose the war by making your partner resent you?<\/p>\n

Playing fair means accepting responsibility for your own part in the conflict, and saying \u201csorry\u201d; it means not exploiting your partner\u2019s vulnerabilities (\u201cNo wonder your ex left you\u201d) or wanting to \u201cfight\u201d when your partner is exhausted and isn\u2019t in any shape to listen to your complaints. Fighting fair means being specific about the issue (\u201cI am upset that you didn\u2019t let me know you would be an hour late\u201d) rather than generalizing (\u201cYou never respect my time\u201d). Fighting fair means not comparing them to someone else (\u201cSally\u2019s boyfriend always buys her roses\u201d). Fighting fair means reassuring your partner that you are on their side, and committed to figuring out a healthy compromise.<\/p>\n

The Wrong Way: Dredge Up The Past<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Right Way: Focus On The Future<\/strong><\/p>\n

Reminding your partner of their past failings by saying things like, \u201cBe nice to my mother. Remember how rude you were to her last time she visited,\u201d is not helpful. No one can turn back the hands of time and undo their past failings. Plus, it\u2019s hard to like a partner who is always \u201ckeeping score\u201d.<\/p>\n

Rather than dredging up what went \u201cwrong\u201d in the past, focus instead on when things went \u201cright\u201d\u2014perhaps there was a time when your partner said something sweet to your mother? Explore why things went right, and use this as a starting point to figure out how to recreate more of that in the future. It\u2019s easier to figure out a solution going forward than fix the past (\u201cMy mom\u2019s coming to visit. I know it\u2019s hard for you to get along. How can we make her feel welcome, and you less annoyed with her?\u201d) Isn\u2019t creative and collaborative problem-solving the key to a successful relationship?<\/p>\n

Every couple deals with conflict at some point. How we deal with it can either break us or make our relationship stronger. Are there any \u201cwrong\u201d ways you are dealing with conflict today that you can turn into \u201cright\u201d ways tomorrow?<\/p>\n

This post was commissioned and originally published in eHarmony Canada<\/a><\/p>\n

Photo credit: Flickr\/Wyatt Fisher \u00a0– couples<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Have you heard the term \u201cnew relationship energy\u201d? It\u2019s that \u201chigh\u201d you feel at the beginning of a romantic union\u2026it\u2019s almost like your partner has been sprinkled with pixie dust and everything they do or say feels magical to you. This \u201chigh\u201d is caused by…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[2,33],"tags":[34,311],"class_list":["post-1652","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog","category-conflict","tag-conflict-2","tag-relationship"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3B2G4-qE","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipdeal.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1652","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipdeal.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipdeal.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipdeal.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipdeal.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1652"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipdeal.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1652\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1655,"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipdeal.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1652\/revisions\/1655"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipdeal.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1652"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipdeal.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1652"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/therelationshipdeal.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1652"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}