Dear Mr. PM: Is Your Hair For Real?

politician

My uncle Nick got the cue ball rolling with his email rant to “the family” about how Harper has got to go. Personally, I have a hard time engaging with politics unless there is a relationship component. So, while I can recite the most arcane details of Pierre and Maggie’s marriage, I am like a deer caught in the headlights when quizzed on Papa Trudeau’s foreign policy.

Anyway, thank God for my cousin Jen who came to my rescue by re-directing the email exchange to areas of politics that interest me. A friend of a friend of hers is very “connected” to the Harper circle and dropped the “w” bomb during a dinner party.

Jen: He wears a wig. 

Even Jon Stewart commented on it: “What kind of magical creature’s hair doesn’t get messed up in a hailstorm?” he asked, referring to Harper’s outdoor press conference a while back.

Me: I don’t know Jen. Maclean’s says the hair is real and they are a trusted source. Voters would hate to be duped in this way. Duffy scandal. Meritless patronage appointments. Fabricated hysteria on ‘terror’. We could forgive all of that. But this…

Jen: And despite all that secrecy, he has *almost* managed to keep the fact that he wears a wig under wraps.

Me: Wonder if any of our family would “part” ways with you!

Uncle Nick: Oh, they just want to brush us aside and engage in weightier matters. They should comb their memories for evidence supporting the proposition.

Jen: I’m sure he keeps his secret under “lock” and key, but we can try to get to the root of it.

Uncle Nick: I don’t want to split hairs, but is it a wig or a toupee? Colour me confused, but yes it would be a pleasure to get to the root of it, as Jen suggests, over a bit of the hair of the dog.

Me: I don’t want to nit pick either, but how do we “uncover” this scandal? How do we blow the top off this thing?

Aunt Julie: I’m sure Harper would like to sweep all this speculation under the rug. But you can’t weave a good story out of this.

Jen: Oh, that one was hair-raising mom!

Me: Just listened to a panel on CBC. One panelist said that Harper is going to “CARPET BOMB the country with his own message.” That’s gotta be code for you know what.

If it is true that we have a bald PM, I have to empathize. Women prefer guys with hair, and we make up half the electorate. Men have been covering up their bald spots forever. A toupee was found in a tomb in Egypt circa 3200 BC, and Julius Caesar may have worn one. His trademark ceremonial wreath is said to have hid a receding hairline and other men in his era painted their heads to simulate hair.

Listen, if Harper does in fact wear a wig, that wouldn’t be the biggest deception us Canucks have endured by his government or others. Sure, it would make front-page news if his hair blew off in a windstorm but he could in fact use this to his strategic advantage to divert our attention from other messes that dog him.

And it would certainly get me more interested in politics. I might even become a political junkie. But first, can anyone please remind me, what is his position on climate change?

Photo credit:flickr/aaron.bihari

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