By now you are either freaking out or feeling relieved.
Last week’s big-ticket news item was that Ashley Madison (the on-line adultery service) got hacked. The hackers now have the personal information including sexual preferences of Ashley Madison’s 37 million members. If you are a member, and your partner doesn’t know, chances are you’re probably not sleeping so well these days.
I won’t bore you with my views on the ethics of an affair because I’ve written about this here before. The question on my mind now is how much do we owe our partners to tell them everything about our lives? Where is the balance between being a completely open book and giving our partners information only on a need to know basis?
Many Ashley Madison members say they are on the site only for spicy chatter, and swear that they have no intention of following Ashley Madison’s slogan: “Life is short. Have an affair.” This was the case of a Toronto-area man, one of the two Ashley Madison members whose name was released by the hackers to the media. When reporters showed up on his doorstep, he was horrified. He commented: “Sometimes, you’re just curious, looking for friends, but then it doesn’t necessarily appeal to you.”
Does his explanation hold water? After all, he didn’t have an affair, and only joined to “see” and not to “touch”. He wanted to keep this bit of fantasy secret, and carry on with normal domestic life. Like he said, he was just “looking for friends”. No harm done, right?
I’m a big believer in some personal autonomy. I don’t feel I owe it to my husband to share every one of my deepest and darkest secrets. And I don’t push him to tell me everything on his mind either. God no, I don’t want to know everything on his mind. I’m a gal who enjoys a bit of mystery and his over-sharing would be a buzz kill. I’ve written about this here too.
But there is a difference between “thought” and “action”. And clearly our Toronto guy thinks so too, or he wouldn’t be freaking out. Our spouses have a reasonable expectation that we not disclose personal intimate details to a stranger (and perhaps to anyone at all) without their consent. The thing about being a “couple” is that you are supposed to confide in each other. Let me repeat this again. Each other.
It’s fine to fantasize—no harm is done. Thoughts stay within the parameters of one’s imagination. But when thought crosses over to action, like joining Ashley Madison, that’s a step in the wrong direction.
Photo credit:Flickr/Paola Sparta
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Patti Pokorchak
Jul 30, 2015 -
It might not come as any surprise to you dear Sue, but I too was curious and signed up for AM even though I had no one to cheat on.
I stayed about 10 minutes as the raw sexuality was overwhelming. You actually got to rate lovers. Not quite what I was looking for.
I do know of someone who met his wife via AM! He was a bit embarrassed to admit which site they had met on but seems to be working for them.
If you’re only looking for spicy chatter, then OKCupid or PoF are safer and don’t have the stigma of being a cheating site. How would know that? I read about it – that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!
Yes, a bit of mystery is good even in a long term relationship. Who wants to know what doesn’t go on in a man’s head. They really are not thinking of things when looking absent minded.
Sue Nador
Jul 30, 2015 -
Patti, what I adore about you is that you never cease to surprise me – even though I expect you to surprise me! Wow – rating lovers? That sounds horrible, and immature. On behalf of my readers, thank you for the “better” resources – and no, I won’t press you on how you know so much! xo
Patti Pokorchak
Jul 30, 2015 -
Oh Sue! I hope I never get to be too predictable and stop surprising you.
For me, cheating means something is missing from the relationship. Whether the relationship can be fixed or not is up to the 2 people in the relationship.
I am a serial monogamist in case you have any single male readers. I’m sure I’d get 5 star ratings IF I was on AM….. Just kidding!
Sue Nador
Jul 30, 2015 -
Oh Patti – that is impossible! You will never cease to amaze me! Ok, darling male readers….Patti is single, phenomenal, super-energetic, creative, bright, highly successful entrepreneur, and has an adorable dog too! I am happy to make an intro, and of course I know you have eligible friends…so let’s make a match, shall we!!!
Patti Pokorchak
Jul 31, 2015 -
Oh Sue, you make me blush.
You could have a new career as a matchmaker.
I just feel I’ll meet someone NOT on a dating site, so thank you for spreading the word.
I’m pretty easy going and just want a man, looks are unimportant but is smart and makes me laugh. My standards aren’t that high are they!?!
nancie mcleod
Jul 30, 2015 -
Never have had the AM experience but when my ex and I were in counselling years ago, it was recommended by a professional… not as a means of cheating but as a resource for couples who had “different sexual appetites”. The thinking was that a “sexless marriage” could stay intact if the partner who was unhappy with the lack of sex was free to engage in sex outside the marriage.
My understanding was that the meaning of “free” was discussed and agreed upon….before the AM membership forms were filled out! Lots of interesting conversations happening this summer no doubt!
Sue Nador
Jul 30, 2015 -
Interesting work-around solution! Wouldn’t it be fascinating to be a fly on the wall in some homes! I hope this “hack” initiates the type of conversations couples should have been having long ago. There is no one formula for a happy marriage! Thanks for the interesting comment Nancie!